There is nothing like a cuddle

On Friday night I got a cuddle:)  I was going to tell you about it at the weekend, but I ran out of time.  Anyway, it was a real, snuggly cuddle and it was with my 11 year-old B.

So why am I sharing this on a blog? – because it’s rare. and it’s part of aspergers and its something that I have had to learn to live with, which has, at times, been hard.

D was out with some friends he used to work with. I knew he would be back late, so it was Friday evening at home with the children. This was fine. B has a reasonably new formula 1 Wii game that he is VERY keen on and M had a friend for tea. They played in the garden for a bit with the neighbours and came in as good as gold when called. As the evening wore on I gave B a half hour warning about turning the Wii off. Unusually he turned it off with no argument when the time came. It was lovely, he seemed so relaxed, he trotted upstairs and had a shower (without being asked/ told) and snuggled into bed. When I went in to say Good Night he asked me to lay down next to him and give him a cuddle 🙂

Many of you will think that is a very normal bed-time thing to do. Sadly I wish it were so normal in this house. I would love to be able to go into B and give him a lovely cuddle every night before bed, but usually he doesn’t want a cuddle. He will push me away or would rather play a game of hiding under the duvet whilst I try to kiss him or we play tickling games, but nothing is the same as having a lovely cuddle.

I used to cry to myself when he was a baby and a toddler because he wouldn’t let me cuddle him. I thought he didn’t love me. I would pick him up from nursery and he just wanted to talk about whatever interested him at the time. He didn’t want a cuddle. I put him to bed and he’d grab his toy, but not want a cuddle. He would climb onto our bed, but never for a cuddle. It was only to be used as an indoor trampoline. If he sat on my lap he just wriggled and squirmed he couldn’t seem to snuggle in like other children did with their parents. I believed I must be such a horrible mummy that my little boy didn’t want a cuddle. At that time we had no inkling that he might be on the autism spectrum. I had no understanding that for some children cuddles are just uncomfortable or are not seen as necessary to showing affection. I just thought I must be so rubbish that he didn’t love me.

In many ways my feelings were more confused when I had M who loved cuddles. and would come and spontaneously ask for kisses and cuddles. I had seen other children do this when B was tiny, but it was new to me. B had never done it with me. He did occasionally with my Mum, but not with me. It really upset me that one of my children didn’t want to ‘love’ me. What had I done to B? and why was M so different?

This all sounds a bit selfish, but I didn’t know then what I know now. However, although I now know that B doesn’t necessarily see that he needs to give cuddles to show his feelings and that he can do that equally by playing tickling games and hiding games at bedtime. There is nothing like a good cuddle and I have to be honest, it does still hurt sometimes when I want to give him a cuddle and I want him to cuddle me.

But, on Friday night I GOT ONE. A beautiful, warm, spontaneous cuddle. from a boy who must have had such a stressful week, but just tells me everything is ‘fine’. He snuggled, he didn’t try to wriggle away, he didn’t try to hide under the duvet, he didn’t throw his dressing gown over his head, I went in to say good night, expecting to have my hands grabbed, from which I have to escape by tickling him! but he asked me to sit on the bed and have a cuddle. I was so pleased, he put his arms around me and he just cuddled for about 5 minutes without wriggling, squirming, trying to tickle or anything. It was pure, unadulterated cuddle!

And then it was over, he turned over and said good night, but it was great and I want more! – I know I might not got more and it will only ever be on his terms, but I really wish he would be able to come and have a cuddle when he is stressed about school next year, but for now I will try to be happy and remember our Friday Night cuddle 🙂

Who else has got a little story that might seem so insignificant to others but means the world to you?

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About Violets Diary

Visually impaired Mum, with VI hubby, 2 disabled children. Disability campaigner, novice blogger and tweeter. Trying to put the world to rights and share our journey and positive stories. https://violetsdiary.wordpress.com
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22 Responses to There is nothing like a cuddle

  1. I can relate to this post. Something similar happened to me a few weeks ago and I blogged about it too…….http://jontybabe.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/whats-in-hug.html?
    Its heartbreaking when all you want to do is hug your child and can’t.

  2. Lea says:

    When my little boy asked for a cuddle tonight I held on a bit longer thinking of you. hugs.

    • Thank you, and thanks for putting the comment here. I’d love to meet him one day 🙂 sorry for delayed reply, for some reason your comment ended up as spam 😦 and i’m not very efficient at going through the spam folder. xx

  3. 1funmum says:

    Pure joy when it happens just pure joy. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful personal moment. When I get a kiss or a jig thats so spontaneous pure joy fills me up. It’s really unexplainable but you do a good job here.

  4. solodialogue says:

    There are so many of these kinds of moments that others don’t understand. Lucky for me, Toots is like M and loves a good cuddle but there are things that seem so simple like the other day he told me “I got ketchup all over!” when he was eating rather than yelling “Clean! Clean!” like he usually does close to a meltdown. It was a moment of joy for me that most people couldn’t understand but like the cuddle, it was exciting because the language was so rare. I guess, in a way, that’s what makes it so special – because it is rare and different for us. I wouldn’t trade that joy for anything! And I’m very happy he’s sharing those with you for the time being.

  5. MotherGoutte says:

    I love this post. It’s very moving to feel your joy from this cuddle. Heartbreaking the account of his baby and toddler years…
    Thanks for sharing! Xxx

  6. MotherGoutte says:

    Just to let you know that I’ve nominated you for the Reader Appreciation Award. Xxx

  7. Pingback: Best of the UK Parent Blogs: Ten at Ten (66) | Tots 100

  8. My eldest is not particularly cuddly, whereas my youngest is like a limpet! But sometimes the rarer ones, then ones that come out of the blue when you least expect it, are EVEN sweeter. xx

  9. Jeremy says:

    This is a very moving post – thank you for posting it. My wife works with an autistic boy as a Teaching Assistant – she has done so for a year now. It has really opened our eyes to children on the autistic spectrum. When did you find out that your son had aspergers? And how did you know? We have been wondering this about our son recently.

    • There are loads of signs, which over the years gave us more and more questions until we plucked up the courage to share our concerns. I have written about our journey in these posts.

      don’t be put off by the visual impairment bit, that was just an extra complication for us, where we and others weren’t sure if some of his challenges were due to sight or something extra. I hope that is of some help

      • Oh, I don’t know what happened to the links 😦 . I’ve written 3 posts, “visual impairment and aspergers”, “visual impairment and aspergers part 2” and “High Functioning Autism vs Aspergers, the emotions of Labels”. The first one I wrote in April and the others in May, probably better to search the archives for them as I don’t seem to be able to paste the links. Hope you find them and its useful

  10. Lisa says:

    What a happy story. Thank you for sharing your precious moment.

  11. TheBoyandMe says:

    I just had a little cry for you, how precious that must have been. Keep that memory with you until he’s ready to give ou another one.

    Popping over from the Tots100 roundup.

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