I can’t do ‘balance’
Whether its ‘stand on one leg’ kind of balance or ‘life balance’ kind of balance. It doesn’t matter which, I’m crap at both.
I get an idea and I’m hooked, I can’t do things by half measures, I don’t know when to stop. I work from home and I love my work. There’s always too much to do and I can’t switch off. I also do voluntary work, which is very much linked to my paid job and when I get started on a project I want to do it properly, I feel a real passion for it and can’t leave it half un-done. I’ve started writing the blog, which is also a great passion and links with the work I do. Again, I can’t walk away from it. If I want it to make a difference I need to get readers, in order to get readers I need to promote it which means investing time in social networking.
I love swimming, but haven’t been for ages, convincing my-self there is too much else to do. I haven’t grown any vegetables in the garden this year, partly because of the hose pipe ban earlier in the year and I didn’t think I’d be able to water the garden, but also because I didn’t think I could invest the time in it this year.
I enjoy cooking and baking, but only cooking and baking if I do it all from scratch. I can’t be bothered and I’m not interested in just getting something out of the freezer and heating it up. I want to be able to plan it properly and have the time to create something using all the basic ingredients.
I want to do nice things, play games, go out for days and do activities with the children, but I’m more comfortable doing it if I can sit down and plan it all out gather the materials, plan the day, organise a picnic etc. I’m no good at doing it spontaneously. I feel stressed and out of control.
I know I’m like this, I’ve probably always been like this, but I don’t know how to change it. Indeed, the more I think about it and think about the needs an issues my Son has, I wonder if I can or, even, should want to change, but I do need to find a way of accepting it and living with it. In the past when I’ve known that one thing has taken over more than it should I’ve found help, I’ve dealt with it. Except that have I? We might have discussed the particular problem, focus etc. but I move on to some other form of control / focus, whatever you like to call it. I have never managed to deal with the whole issue of getting things into a manageable perspective where I can do a bit of everything and accept where I can’t do things perfectly. I know I have to try. I’ve suffered hugely because of my lack of balance in the past so what do I do?
I seem to be an ‘all or nothing’ kind of person. I’ve worked my self stupid for the last few weeks until last week when I was so tired and began to get so disillusioned with things I just needed a break, so I haven’t done anything for a few days apart from go to Legoland with the children and cook a nice family BBQ on Sunday. I need to start again, but I’m worried about looking because I know I’ll get sucked in and what I really want to do is to relax a bit so that I can focus on B as his anxiety levels rise with the impending school change. I also need to put some time into thinking about a plan for the summer holiday and I still have the dreaded DLA form to do for my Daughter.
I’m fed up because I’m working, trying to do things. I don’t feel like I’m making a difference. All I’ve had in the last week are negative comments related to work. People who don’t want emails any more. I’m working my arse off and these people don’t care! Don’t they care about the cuts in funding to services for disabled people? Don’t they care about what this government is doing to the people who are least able to stand up for themselves? I get fed up, so I eat too many biscuits and I’m not cooking enough ‘proper’ food. I’m doing no exercise and I feel rubbish because of it, not just the physical effect of eating too much junk and doing too little exercise, but the emotional effects of feeling inadequate because I can’t get it all right.
I think I need to go and live on a desert island – except it would need to have air-con and an internet connection!
Sometimes I just feel so inadequate, if I do one thing well I let a whole heap of other people down and then I feel crap. How the hell can you balance stuff and feel like you’re doing an OK job at least some of the time for some of the people?
Oh s..t – I’ve just read this through and am now wondering whether to publish it, but if this whole blogging thing is about being honest then I suppose I should. So, to all of you who know me in real life – I apologise and you might want to steer clear for a bit. If I haven’t done things I said I would I’m sorry. Why is it easier to write it down with a whole bunch of strangers reading than it would be sit and tell people who are my friends and colleagues? – Well i can answer that one. – If I talked about it I’d cry and I feel that if you see me cry you won’t think I can do it and then I’ll feel even more crap.
So there, that’s it – that’s me and that’s how it is at the moment. How am I supposed to help my Son with changing school and his anxiety when I feel so crap myself?
Thanks for reading – you’d best go get yourself a G&T or a bar of chocolate now.